CAN’T LOSE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE


When my father died it was the second time I lost him.  The first time was when he remarried after my mother died.  His second wife, for some reason, simply acted as if my father’s life before her did not exist.  My father, sadly, participated in this delusion.  It was a terrible feeling no longer having a family home to go and visit.   I felt unwelcome in the house I lived in as a teen.  It was so awkward and uncomfortable.   Sadly, the full impact of being completely written off did not actually hit me until my father’s death toward the end of 2017.  Now, part of me knew I had lost my daddy years ago but another part of me denied it until his death.  I did not want to go to the funeral because I already felt like I was no longer part of the family and it takes great energy and effort to put on a front.  I did go at the urging of my husband, my co-workers,  and one of my sisters to show final respect for my father.  I do regret going to the funeral.  It was just as stressful and invalidating as I knew it would be.  I was heart-slammed with the double grief of losing my father a second time while simultaneously pretending I was a loved daughter. Given my father did not include me as a real and valued part of his family for the last 11 year of his life,  I wish I had not taken part in the farce of the funeral.  It’s hard enough dealing with the fact the only real value I represented to my father after his remarriage was based on whether or not I could (or would) support him financially (at this writing I have about 61 cents in savings).  What’s harder is realizing that the security I always felt in my father’s love my whole life was completely false.  Having been betrayed so many times by people I loved and trusted over the years this final betrayal has not only devastated me, it’s broken the last tiny sliver of a heart I had left.  I’m struggling with believing that anyone on earth truly cares about me as a person.  If my father, that I idolized my whole life, discarded me so quickly when I was of no material value to him, how could anyone else possibly value me outside what use I am to them?  It’s 1/27/18 today (my posts are scheduled about a year in advance).  I pray over time I will be able to sort this out mentally and emotionally.  The good news is  I am turning to my heavenly father for comfort and counsel.  I do know that my true father will never turn his back on me or love me conditionally.  That realization does help.  Losing someone you love through death is a horrible thing.   Losing someone because you are no use to them anymore is even worse.

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