DIFFERENTNESS


I’ve always felt like I was different from other people but not in a good way.  I am awkward, uncomfortable, quirky, weird, strange, and eccentric (so I’ve been told).  Regardless of the group of people I am around or part of I tend to feel like I don’t belong and am misunderstood.  I try to joke and people get mad or their feelings get hurt.  I try to share some of the things I think and feel only to be met with a strange look (fear, revulsion, pity, confusion, horror).  I’ve read countless self help books and have engaged in therapy, counseling, and hypnotherapy in an effort to understand myself and to improve my ability to successfully relate to others.  I’ve learned I am an introvert and that explains a little.  I’ve acknowledged I am an adult child of an alcoholic and that explains a little more.  I am a middle child so I have middle child syndrome.  I am a survivor of abuse and trauma so that has affected me too.  I have been a serious alcohol abuser and have ineffectively coped using all kinds of maladaptive, addictive, and destructive behaviors.   I have had a multitude of unhealthy relationships.  I use to dissociate, sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and have bone chilling night terrors.  I have had nocturnal hallucinations so I rarely open my eyes in the dark.  I’ve had nightmares that would rival the worst horror movie made.  I have made terrible mistakes I am ashamed of which has also affected me. On and on I go in search for a reason, and explanation, or some clue to myself that will help me understand and accept myself.  Perhaps if I knew what it was that made me strange then I could do something about it.  I was told I was depressed so I took anti-depressants.  I am not depressed.  I do have high anxiety and anti anxiety medication has helped in the past.  I chose not to take antianxiety medications now.  I am socially inept so it might be social anxiety disorder.  The most recent effort to understand and “fix” myself resulted in me taking numerous assessments for Asperger’s.  Okay–so 85% of the people who score what I scored go on to be diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Then I took a test for Schizoid Personality Disorder and aced that one!  The more I try and prove to myself that I am “normal” the more I discover I am not normal.  I think I better quit while I am behind.  Apparently I am just me and whoever or whatever that is, I am still just me.  For good or bad at this stage in my life I am better off just accepting myself and moving on.  I can adjust, adapt, compensate, and accept.  Whatever it takes I can and will simply be me, live, love, and enjoy my life as it is.  I can do what I have to when I have to.  I don’t have to explain, defend, improve, or justify.  I can simply be myself–and you can be yourself.  It’s so much easier that way isn’t it?

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