If you’ve been following along, you’ll know I’ve had a terrible time with my father’s death.  It’s been hard to feel at peace about his death because of the way he died (it wasn’t a good death) and the realization he did not give two cents for me after all (I feel like my whole childhood was a lie).  Well, one night a few weeks ago, I dreamed about my daddy and in the dream he and I both knew he was dead.  I was confronting him about his last will and testament that went so far as to exclude three of his daughters even as secondary or even tertiary beneficiaries.  He made it very clear that the three of us excluded women were truly excluded (cousins were back-up beneficiaries).  In the dream my father first tried to say he did not know about the changes in his will.  When I reminded him, “you signed it in 2012” he then said, “it was mine (the estate) and I could do what I wanted to with it”.  There that is, and, of course, he was right.  Even so, in the dream he did not in any way indicate I was important to him, I mattered to him, or that he loved me in any way.  It was cold and callous which is how I feel he really felt.  I’m sure this will get better with time.  I know I have to forgive if I want to be forgiven.  For now I plan to look the other way when I see him in heaven.  I know it’s not right to think or feel like this so I’m counting on it being grief related and surely will get better with time.  While I call my daddy cold and callous I feel the same way myself.  If the solid foundation of love and respect I thought we shared was fake then what isn’t? May 12, 2018.


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