My posts are scheduled every which-a-way and I realize they don’t always come out in the right order.  Several months from now a post I wrote in September 2017 will come out (before my father died) and before that there are posts about my grief after my father dies.  I have no idea when some are scheduled so I apologize for those trying to follow the process.  What I’m realizing is that the grief process is different for everyone and while the “stages of grief” may be there they are not in order and they do not progress in a linear fashion.  For me, it seems, my grief is processing more through my dreams and through my dreams I can easily see where I am in the process.  One post is scheduled (I have no idea when) where I’m clearly angry.  More recently (and by recently I mean May 2018), my dreams are showing some progress.  I had two this week about my father.  The first one we were at a huge church gathering.  My father did know me although he was still showing signs of dementia.  We were sitting on a pew in the church (everyone was milling around inside and outside) and he told me “I’m sorry about what happened outside”.  He walked outside and when I went to find him I couldn’t.  He was gone.  In the second dream this week we (my sisters and my father) were all together in our family home.  My father had returned to normal (no more dementia), he had discovered my step-mother had tricked him, and had corrected everything (my step-mother was no longer there).  While part of me knew he had died, the other part of me was enjoying us all being together again in our family home, having daddy there with us, and having him like his old self again–where he loved us, protected us, and treated us like his daughters.  I cherish the feelings I had in that dream.  I feel like  I’ve made some progress in the grief process.  It’s so hard.  At least I know it does get better with time. May 19, 2018.

backlit blur close up dawn
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