I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him (Zig Ziglar).  I’m not as spiritually evolved as Mr. Ziglar.  I struggle with my feelings toward one particular person and it’s something I find difficult to come to terms with.  When I think of the person’s sole reason for forming a relationship with me, it’s hard not to hate.  When I think of the years spent being slandered behind my back, it’s hard not to hate.  When I think of the permanent harm caused to those I love, it’s hard not to hate.  When I think of the lack of remorse or even acknowledgement of the betrayal, it’s hard not to hate.  When I think of the things said and done, it’s hard not to hate.  It’s hard not to hate someone who intentionally preyed upon oneself and ones children–as if we were objects not people.  I’ve been out of the relationship longer than I was in it but the effects still persist.  Worse, I am reminded of the lost years, especially my children’s critical formative years, and I want to cry and, yes, hate.  It’s hard when there is no justice and the predator gets away free and clear while the prey suffers.  It’s hard when the perpetrator is seen as the victim and the victims are seen as the ones in the wrong.  I know it’s not my place to judge but it’s hard not to. I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed over the situation and for all the people involved–especially the betrayer.  I know in the end there will be justice for all but it does not give me comfort now.  While I hope I have moved past actual hate, it is still a challenge to keep my heart free of animosity and ill-wishes.  My only defense, even now, is prayer and faith in the belief that those who deliberately harm children will be held responsible and those who use their position in the church to further their own evil designs will be called to account.  It doesn’t make it any easier in the still of the night–when I can’t sleep.

Water fountain and mural