It feels like I have never really belonged anywhere or with anyone. There is a sense of not belonging deep inside. It never really goes away. No matter who I am with or what I am doing there is a nagging feeling that I’m not really part of what’s going on around me…that I am there yet not there at the same time. There is a part of me that wonders if I exist at all. Logically, intelligently, I know I am real, I do exist and I do matter to some people…although it’s a very few. If I were to die this instant I believe that after a few weeks only about 5 people would still think about me and be sad I am gone. For most people I have known and loved, I am gone already. October 2016
Update 1/1/17–I wrote the original post in October 2016 and have no idea what was going on at the time. It seems I was in a very dark place. I don’t even remember writing it although I do remember having these feelings from time to time throughout my life. I’m glad I was brave enough to write and schedule the post. It’s hard not to delete it because I am not used to putting my private self out there for all to see. For those who do know me please don’t take it personally–I can’t help how I feel sometimes. Thankfully these feelings aren’t as frequent and I owe it in part to being able to get them off my chest. Happy New Year! I am looking forward to 2017 being better than 2016.