I know I push people away and I don’t mean to (but maybe I do).  As soon as it looks like I might be developing a close friendship with someone I pull back.  At my worst I burn the bridge completely with no hope of salvaging the relationship.  Other times I just knock some of the bridge down where it takes a great effort to rebuild but it’s never the same.  I admit that most of the time I just don’t bother to fix it.   I know why I do this.  I’m not sure I want to stop.  My whole life is made up of a series of hurts from people I loved, trusted and then realized they never really cared about me at all.  I’m talking about betrayal.  I’m talking about deliberate deceit.  I’m talking about being used.  Sometimes it’s not as bad as all of that.  Sometimes it’s just the dynamic of the relationship that I create myself.  I realize the relationship is costing me more time, energy and personal investment than I want to give and it’s either all in or all out.  I know it’s me giving in, not speaking up, going along to the point I become resentful.  It seems I’m on the giving side 75% of the time and on the receiving side 25% of the time.  Aside from that I do tend to need time alone more than other people in my life.  I like people and I do want to have a few friends.  I just don’t want to be in a position of  always doing what someone else wants and never being able to say “no” or doing what I want to do some of the time.  It’s easier just to keep to myself and my one true friend (which is my husband).  It seems to me all of my friendships otherwise end up with me being there for them but them not being there for me.  I am naturally a peacemaker and find that I do tend to put others first most of the time.  If it comes between you having what you want and me having what I want I’m going to chose you.  That’s why I would rather not have close relationships.  If I’m going to be selfish a little and take care of myself, it’s better for me if it’s not at the expense of another person.   I’m not complaining.  I’m not blaming.  I’m just saying.

Pushing People Away

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